interests: she
by shell
I should be sitting in a classroom as we speak, but i am not. I am frantically trying to develope a campaign that was due today but for some fucking reason i can’t find a macro shot of a womens ankle in a stilleto.
So i am taking a few moments out to think. Maybe my father was right, maybe my head is too far up my ass to have any meaningful relationship. I am too absorbed in my own self. The funny thing is, i always thought my self drive and motivation came from him. His self drive and motivation has kept him from having a meaningful relationship with my brother and I for all these years. My mother has the self-interest of an infant, needy and intruding. So with what is suppose to be my two closest relationships mimicing high school, how on earth am i suppose to have a normal relationship with someone? What is a normal relationship?
Then i realized i am not that self-absorbed, i open doors for people, smile at children, laugh at pugs. My life is not defined by my position in it, but by all the people and things that push back. my life is defined by the coffee i drink and the conversations i have. So what is wrong? whats with this insane fear of vulnerability?
why this insane need to figure this out? I don’t have time for a relationship now, look at everything that is going on. Its just i feel horrible, i feel like i need to have the answers in order to stop hurting these poor guys who fall for me. I just want to be friends, i end up become their main interest. I feel like i can’t make friends with anyone new without finding myself in a situation like this. I hate situations like this. And the irony of this whole thing is the one i fell for doesn’t feel the same.
What do i even say to them? Sorry, i can’t do this. i believe in fairy tales and princes on white stallions. And when i thought that what i found was a fairytale full of magic clocks and rides into the sunset, i woke up in a castle of thorns in love with a devil who may or may not exist. So you see, this will never work, but we can still have coffee on thursdays right?
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