I thought “ok, this is great, it was rough at first but everything will work out in the end.” David had an interview for a realy (really, really) great job that he probably would have been a shoe-in for. We sent out his resume, he got a response back with in a day and we were on our way to TX. Things changed. My suburban dream where lifestyles were affordable, kids played in fenced backyards and we had benefits, montessori and dance classes went down the drain thanks to god knows what. After we all caught the flu last week our trip to TX had to be postponed, and when the man didn’t call D back about rescheduling I got confused. So here I am, 1 a.m. trying to type in the dark, I wonder if he’s heard anything back from the HYC also and check his mail. I find an email he sent to the original job…a tragic, chances ending email asking all the major No’s you ask before an offer…money, benefits, etc. All in beautiful grammatical inaccuracey.

I don’t even know what to do now, I can’t be mad at him b/c he didn’t know. But then again he didn’t try to learn. Instead my heart is breaking because I can’t afford to…anything here. I was counting on this, on him to make this. Instead of sitting down and learning how to go about interviews and job hunts he’s too busy reading and planning upcoming rum races at some roach YC up the river. I think its finally starting to dawn on me, I’ve had faith this whole time, a level of “he’s young” to fall back on but now I can’t do it anymore. His mother referred to herself as “mommy” to my daughter today. I need to get the fuck out of here.

I’m just so fucking tired of this though, I’m just exhausted. I am almost writing things like “I need to take a proactive approach to my family” but then stop short when I ask myself what the fuck I’ve been doing for the last few years. I love him, I do when I think of how great he is with the baby and with me, he’s the perfect family man. Then I think of his deadbeat fucking friends, his loser parents that do absolutely fucking nothing…they do everything but all towards the goal of fucking nothing, whine complain manipulate and finally act human as a strategic manuever when in desperation. His racing is accomplishing nothing, he’s completely oblivious to the potential networking opps and it seems like his only in to the whole world is too interested in herself to help him up.

Now what? What are my options? Where do I go from here? I actually thought about abortion tonight for a brief second, how the hell am I going to do this on my own? I would never though, the thought dissolved as soon as it started and I realized the bitty life was still that and murder was not an option. So I am looking at places in Pittsburgh, looking at jobs, looking at studios where the baby and I can squeeze in for a bit until something better comes. I can get a one bedroom there for about $500 and I don’t have to tell my mother I live there. I can afford it, I’ll probably get something with benefits and I know there are good montessoris there. The only problem is it is cold, but on the brighter side the babies will have fun playing in the snow and they’ll grow up around a bohemian underground which will do more for them than this elitist me culture. There will be art and tea and conversations (maybe) or atleast a good book. I’m just so fucking tired. I always dreamed of one day growing up and meeting a guy who took care of me…fuck the corbins and jays and all the other losers I’ve busted my ass for. David takes care of us, or at least tries to in his own way. But I am still so fucking tired.