A train runs silently through the woods, great desperate swirls of frustration leading to one tragically dramatic thought after another. I thought I would vent here, but I now that I’ve started I seemed to have lost the motivation. Maybe I will just track a laundry list of random players of pathes splintering off into wonderland. Where to start…
Prelude: Pygmy Land
Grey carpet smeared with food, disinfectant smell. Cold, early mornings without reason…grey with frost on the windows, waiting patiently for 15% and the dawning hour. Blood bubbling onto white pants from a botched blood test. CBT, grahm crackers, butter, rasins, milk, water, Sheryl Crow, Jewel, tiny kitchen, assertiveness training, pitt stadium imploding, tela ropa,
Standing backwards on scales in open back hospital gowns, Marya. Knives, tylenol PM, Dixie Chicks, Green bedrooms, brad, another kid I talked to twice on the phone…found my number in a yearbook. Did he kill someone? Cathedral of Learning, Oakland, spring, spiraling, bouncing, silver sculpture on the side of the building, dogwood blooming in front, kids pushing past.
Elevator down, pink index card in fist, opens into grey hallway surrounded by glass blocks, fake lighting some twenty feet below ground level, over to another elevator, up, through tunnels, through hallways, stairways and doors. Cafeteria, mad anxiety. Three ice cream bars…why not? How else to 900 calories? Fuck your cupcakes, fuck your roast beasties, fuck your milk and your butter, drinking your oil from tomatoe and cucumber concoctions, missing coffee, ditrex, herbal supplements and EKG, body…stops, speeds, falls, colapses, black, vomit, moving dinner down the drain. Fuck, hats, fuck showers, fuck your rules, no razors and hairy legs, fuck your world. I want mine back. I want her back. Fuck
Outpatient, almost cured, almost in society. Girl crys her way out of a ticket, fat girl…does she belong here? McDonald house with blonde girl…what was her name. Brunette girl…only there a few days. Skinny girl (in ED, its bad) with the tube and the parents and the phone call I couldn’t tell them they strapped her to a bed…who didn’t tell them? Wasn’t my fucking job I run sobbing down the hallway and dive into bed. Passing out on sofa after bad meds, EKG. Scale, food, school cubicals with names painted in finger goo and sparkels. Big orange building. Tiny girl with curls, so thin she couldn’t walk. Thiry years with her, my one roommate. Old women with her off to geriatrics. 8 year old, girl coming down from cigarettes, my Robin.
Act 1: New Brighton
Bone Thugs and Harmony: recently heard a new song by them, brought me back to a time when life was a bit less. Beth, and Bryan and Corbin, Jamie, Beth 2, Vogan and Josh and Blazers, McDonlads and parking lots in beat up buicks shivering and passing fake bowls to celebrate the 4:20 hour, two away from day break.
Fighting and drinking and childish games, childish loves, childish kisses. Jessica and sitting on the lake with the fire going with two boys who disappeared into the night. A cut off picture of another unidentifiable. Dry erase walls.
Bus rides to Nationals with Justin rolling off the seat and onto the floor, rotten apples in Olgebay dressingrooms. Flashing cars at the end of stephanie’s driveway.
Jack and Matt and getting kicked in the chin, Football with the guys, Zephyr, the coxes and peanut…peanut butter and jelly. Emily and Liza and eating the Murphies. Boxer. Tree swing from a frizbee, tree house in a pine. Club house out of bricks. Buses and hills and rollerblade accidents, baseball with jacks dad. The girls up the road gemma and amy? jaime. Dennis and the sying cat. the sled riding hill. Snow days.
Act 2: Clear Brook
Act 3: Juniata
Act 4: Pittsburgh
Act 5: Vero