oh my gosh, i jinxed myself. Lol, as is always the way…if i have to write another fucking resume i will puke. My golf plans got shot to hell and back today as my golf partner got pulled away to his job calling. And I am exhausted.

Meh, all is not lost, Saturday I am going to Volant with mummay and Monday I am going out with Lynn to the lake, her family has a boat, so its floating around and drinking all day.

Tomorrow is Muhanna’s birthday, so maybe dinner if he is in town, maybe not if he isn’t. Tomorrow is thursday…friday is after that! Yay friday!

I was once told “You have to have courage to live the way you want.” I believe this with all of my heart. Whereas I have always been couragous, I have never strived for the life I wanted and always for the life I felt others wanted for me.

I peer out the window, watching the birds fly by the school across the street and sum up my life. I’ve found my job, MY job, no one elses, Design Coordinator for a local book publishing company downtown. The job I have always wanted, everytime I picked up a book, everytime I went shopping through Barnes and Nobles, shopping for ideas through the stacks and stacks of amazingly designed book jackets. I’ve always wanted this job and now that there is an opening I am going today to get it.

I have a studio apartment in a gorgeous part of town, where the houses are huge and expensive and the main street is a yuppie paradise with over priced gift stores, hip styling salons and more than one bridal shop with outstanding masterpieces of silk and lace sparkling in the storefront windows.

I have a boyfriend, mature, successful but most importantly who adores me and treats me the way I need to be treated. He is gorgeous, green eyes, tan but not too dark skin, with an accent. He is to teach me arabic and hebrew, he likes to travel and be adventurous. He lives in LA. He brought me flowers to work and wants to travel from Washington DC to see me for dinner. He is 31, married once before to a women who valued something mundane over him, someone who would rather be high than be with him. He is from Jordan. He tells me about cities made of stone and sky diving. I tell him about walking on the grass barefoot. He invites me to LA so I can go barefoot on the beach someday. He was shaking the day I gave him my phone number. His birthday is on Thursday, I’m going to draw him the starbucks where we met.

And my life, after all these years, is finally as it should be. It will change, I will change, but I am more content than I have ever been before and for the moment it is wonderful.

So he has been Drunken Mgr, Mr. A, his real name and finally back to drunken mgr, where we find the situation right now. Its been a month and optimistically I have learned more about alcohol in the past month than i have in 20 some years. But seriously…i need to talk to him, I can’t do this. I dont understand.

Natalia says find someone older…thank you ms. obvious. mom says walk away. Aaron says i wont listen to him but to do the same.

I just want a friggin job to come through and Muhanna to call. i am tired of this crap. I want a non-spiked boyfriend! I want to be able to afford great furniture for my apt. Hell, I want to be able to afford my apt. I want to pay off my debts, eat where and when i want to and buy martini’s and shoes when i need to, like now. And the funny thing is, I am still living fabulously :). I like the challenge. Dear god, see…you’re still there to me so ha! i don’t care how many more resumes i have to send out, i know it is your will and nothing more. Your will and nothing less. Your will and nothing else. Just will a few more dollars in this general direction please!

Amen and a bottle of wine.

drifting off to sleep last night, the phone rings at midnight, once and it says its drunken mgr…i answer and no one is on the other line. I call back and leave a sleepy grumbly message. I fall asleep.

Two AM my phone rings pulling me out of my well needed sleep. Its him again, this time he says hello. He apologizes for not calling me back when he said he would…which at that point would have been about 9 hours ago. Says its due to lack of reception…In Wexford? ok, stop lying.

The storm past by, I rushed home amongst a swirl of grey and lightning as the wind whipped through the buildings and it got incrimentally darker. Flower guy stopped by my work today. I actually had a chance to see what he looked like and I must say, he is a beautiful human. He has gorgeous eyes and he is relatively fair skinned. He asked me to go out with him tonight but had to cancel later when his business partner and him had to run to Cleveland OH. So in the end we agreed to meet tomorrow, which doesn’t really work for me since I am suppose to meet Steve tomorrow for a movie. Steve has a meeting-day today, so I will try to push Troy for tonight instead. If not no big deal, he is off on Friday, I will just move it to then. Meeting Devil Boy for a late lunch on Thursday.

I have been working on my vector’s. I am comfortable with the program, now I really need to develope a style. I spent ten hours yesterday working on one of a friend of a not so friend, but the colors in the original photo are gorgeous, the girl is gorgeous and her writings are gorgeous so I couldn’t resist. Of course I needed to pull myself out of the trance every few hours and grab a cold shower. Its horrible, it really is, everytime that time of the month or the assumed alotment of that time rolls around I want to run my tounge over some female’s neck and lay my lips on their shoulders and wrap my arms around their waists. Grrr. No females, bad! The fact this girl is wounderfully talented doesn’t help my cause either. Females are neurotic, anyone who dates them is neurotic…but is fingertips over hipbones considered “dating”? GAWD!!!!

Natalia is looking for another hostess, she wants to give me more responsibility at work when she leaves to Europe in July but I hope I won’t be there in July and I don’t have the heart to tell her yet. I’ll give her my two weeks as soon as I find out I have another job. She knows I am looking for another part time position. But I failed to mention another FT, 30 grand + benefits position.

its a hot day outside, temperature is near ninety. I am excited because i am pretty sure i got the job with the Girl Scouts, a job that would give me the financial stability i have been dying for, a job that would allow me to work with young girls and adults and harness all of my skills that have been lying around waiting to be focused in one general direction. It will be wonderful to be seen for my morals and values instead of my other, ahem… assets. I pray I get this position. I need it.

My body still hates me. It hates me even more today because I am wearing a white skirt.

So I have been working at La Strada for about meh…three or four months and I had yet to talk to GM Joe beyond the normal “hihowareya” deal. Beth gave me a goal a few weeks back to talk to him, i failed, stating that i did how ever touch him, on the back, as i passed him even though there was plenty of room to fit around without doing that, and that that should count. I won by default.

So today I talked with Joe. He talked of his nieces and nephews and his puppy. Damn him. Talk of gibberish talk of nonsense dont talk of kids and puppies. My heart melted. I spite him. I spite me for not being able to ask him out. grrr. He always has this far off look in his eyes, kind of like the one I have in candid photos, i always wonder what is going through his head. he would be interesting to talk to.

So today Joe gave me a glass of water. I never wanted to let go of that glass of water, it was the best tasting water ever, i even drank it without lemon. I was up at the bar eating lunch with Natalia (how spoiled am I? Four star cuisine everyday!) and he was grabbing her a soda water and asked me what I wanted. swoon.

OMGIamsoinlovewithhimiwanttomarryhimandhavehisbabiesandpuppiesandlivehappilyeverafterandgrowoldwithhim. Yep, i feel like i am twelve again. Or I could just kiss up on his neck for a few minutes and maybe fuck him pushed up against the wall in the coat room. That would be fine too, eventhoughihatethatdirtydirtyword.

Welcome to the land of idiots, enjoy your ride and keep all hands, limbs and other objects inside the vehicle at all times since it may be hazardous to your health…

………….{be amazed…be truly amazed}………

VZW Kana FS – MW Correspondence wrote:

Dear Verizon Wireless Customer,

Steve

Sr Rep-Financial Svcs

Verizon Wireless

………………..{and my response}………………

maybe we’ve missed the point of this whole thing. I am writing because I don’t have phone service, i can’t make phone calls so therefore i am unable to “call your office.” What other information do you require?

YAY! I got an apartment in Mt Lebanon, yay! Proud new parent of a studio apartment on a quiet shady street!

YAY! I have a job interview with the Girl Scouts on Monday! yay!

YAY! got my phone turned off. Been paying the bills, so I can’t understand why. Can’t get a hold of them without a phone, taking care of that today. People can call me but I can’t call out…no clue.

“Drug induced sleeps are the best!” – Arron.

The devil called me last night, grabbing drinks with him on Wednesday. Met Clinton in Squirrel Hill, apparently he is moving to New York in three months, going to visit him on Thursday. Drunken Mgr and I are having dinner on friday…What am I going to do on Saturday?