I feel icky and my hair won’t hold a curl…or hold anything beyond a wicked witch of the west attitude. But hey, La Strada site is almost done…10 hours of coding yesterday and i am forcing myself to work on it tonight. Dinner with Matt tonight too, yay!

not that i read the socialist paper, i was reading the new york times yesterday (any better? ithink not.) and remembered reading this so i googled it. In fact, this is what i woke up too today. Laying in bed i had this sickening feeling in my stomach as i thought about everything that is going on in the middle east and how no one is really questioning it.

Stepping outside of our own borders and our own media fed preceptions, and actually looking at this event…is anyone else scared? The first thing that comes to mind is third reich. How is closing down the newspaper productive to anybody? Once you control the media you control the people. I am itchy because of this, new topic.

The election…YAY! you have your choice of two smucks for president. This is very depressing to me. Whats even more depressing is strategically i willhave to vote for kerry just to make sure bush gets out of office. I swear if he doesn’t i am taking the CMU job in Qatar…( oh yes, my fine geek friends, since CMU is starting a new school in Qatar they have job openings ) Sigh, and would someone tell Nader to die already… he is taking away good votes for the freaking democrates, just doing more harm than good. And why won’t anyone grow balls and stop skirting the subject of same sex marriages. All of a sudden its disapeared off the rictor scales and is replaced with…jobs? HA! I’d like to see that. Living in pittsburgh , job security and unemployment ratings have become my second issue of concern. Thirdly is which candidate will be able to continue shaking hands, this is quickly rising to my priority issue though, over taking foriegn policy by a few degrees of concern only yesterday

Then again there is always hope… muahhahaha

Also reading the newspaper yesterday (new york times business section…my fav) i came across an entire article on how TV ratings for the 18-34 male demographic dropped recently, causing a scene. Apparently the highest hit sites for that part of the population are porn sites, who’d of thunk it. I don’t think that the fact that males are turning from TV should be the highest concern for this issue…i think that the males social behavior and paradigms are turning and that…is just fascinating.

Refuse to watch the 9/11 trails for fear of my head exploding. And there is really no need to destroy such a nice hair style.

and on a big brother note

Dear Mr. Mind Fuck,

Tired of playing your games. Don’t call, don’t write. You have no right to talk to me the way you have. I was offering to make you chicken noodle soup, not to drag your ass throughout the town. AND for your information I DID HEAR YOU SAY you were sick and I DID HEAR YOU SAY YOU shouldn’t have gone to work today. Maybe next time you could be more rude when you talk to me, i know you have it in you to be.

I think you are a fool. I think you have pushed away something wonderful and i think you are a fucking moron for it. I think you are an asshole as well for dragging anybody through your confusion and chaos. Find yourself before you invite anyone to lunch again, know what you want and grow the fuck up.

I know i saw too much in this situation, but i am not going to hate myself for it. I’m allowed to believe in fairy tales and be romantic, anyone in the same situation would have been caught off gaurd too with the way it played out, meeting a stranger under the clock, that weekend, all of it. I don’t regret saying what i did that day either, because there is a difference between love and being in love. I don’t love you, i’m not in love with you anymore either. Maybe i never was, maybe i was caught up in the intruge and infactuation, but i doubt it, for a breif moment when i was in your arms and i looked into your eyes i knew it. I’m just sorry you weren’t strong enough, i’m sorry you are weak, i’m sorry you are not the person i had hoped you to be. I am sorry you are all words, small talk, cheap. I’m sorry i ever made your aquantance and as far as friends go no, i am not your friend,i won’t be your friend. All of my friends are strong, independent, brilliant, caring individuals. I’m sorry you were too caught up in the past. I’m sorry i didn’t walk away a month ago. But atleast i am learning quicker this time.

Holy geez, i feel itchy like i need to sin or something. (by comparison norm’s a level 8)

The Dante’s Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Take the Dante’s Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Finishing up my finals, hopefully i won’t have to work tonight, i want to take my sketch book out to the park and/or scan some of my images to post on the web. Listening to ella fitzgerald. Started working on a drawing on my own free time. Its to be part of a series, this one is a USB cable symbol stretched across a ladies lower belly. The other ones will be a firewire symbol over a ladies lips and another symbol (ethernet cable?) on a hindquarters. Hopefully it will be cartharitic to all the shit thats been going on recently (guys and computers). 66 degrees outside!!! yay! i hope i don’t have to work today, i will go to point park and draw, then to starbucks, of course. sigh, maybe i can find some more trouble to get into, hopefully. I am bored with too much to do, as always.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t want you

But I hate to lose you

You’ve got me in between

The devil and the deep blue sea

I forgive you

‘Cause I can’t forget you

You’ve got me in between

The devil and the deep blue sea

I ought to cross you off my list

But when you come a-knocking at my door

Fate seems to give my heart a twist

And I come running back for more

I should hate you

But I guess I love you

You’ve got me in between

The devil and the deep blue sea

Played back the conversation with devil boy in my mind this morning, sleeping on things always helps to put things in perspective. My focus no longer on the stinging sensation of lust gone astray but on the stinging sensation of the following part of the conversation (in summary)…

“…sorry i haven’t called, i’ve been working online.”

“oh.”

“i am so tired, i’ve gotten like three hours of sleep in the last three days.”

“oh?”

“it was horrible at work today i…(insert horrible work story here)…all because i haven’t gotten enough sleep.”

“well maybe you shouldn’t be online so much if it is effecting your work.”

“it’s not like that though, i do important stuff like look at websites that were too big for my bandwidth before i got dsl and stuff.”

Here i was tempted to throwPandora (my computer) across the room until i realized it wasn’t really her fault (she did blue screen me once today though, that was scary but i blame windows and not her, it is afterall windows and more than likely their fault.) So next i wrote (because we were now talking on IM, as EVERY FREAKING relationship intimate or not turns out to be) i’ve dated you before 3 times, him: no you haven’t, me: you’re right, only twice.

Those familiar with the ex-geek-boyfriend epidemic, which was pre-pittsburgh and thus pre blog will hear me out and understand all this. Its not really worth typing out since it is not worth any more of my time, but if you are really interested email me and i can fill you in (and call you sick and tell you you need a life…ahem). Essentially little boy loves his computer more than anything else in his life… destroyed little girl who lo…liked him more than anything else in her life. This is not a story of his cruelty but of my own stupidity.

Fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

What in the world god? i know this is a test and i know you will only give me as much as i can handle, but come on even i know i can’t handle this much. I answer the phone as the number processes in my mind. Oh NoooHello? Its devil boy. I feign satisfaction, i hide the fact that i know no good can come of the conversation. That pain i have been ignoring all day hits me like an anvil…this like stabbing pain that hits my spirit. I really don’t know how to explain it. But you know the feeling when your desperate attempt at denial shatters in glass like fashion. I tried to pretend the Ella night worked, and i was doing good until he called. I can’t trust him, he feels like danilo. this feels just like all my years with lucifer himself. I can walk from this one though, i have the power to i just need to want to.

Harry’s not helping either, his “lets call the whole calling off off” plays through my headphones and weakens my resistance. I can do coffee with this mother fucker, i know i can. I don’t have to have any feelings for him… i am trying to rebuild my walls very very quickly, if i don’t it will be a huge mess. But we all know i am a lying sack of shit.

He says its not fair, i know he has issues and is really confused. Fuck that. Then dont ask random chicks to lunch if you can’t have a sane interlude. I am itchy, it has been a while since i have been itchy. i despise this feeling. Coffee is fine, i will do coffee and be in total control, i will call him out when he steps out of line (even though the damage will have been done, you can’t erase words, suggestion is very powerful) and just be “friends” with him. Besides, if i go into coffee with him looking for the things that are iritating maybe i can get over him and get on with other things, things that treast me right, things that read erotica to me over the phone at night and buy me tea. I will prevail, i swear i will. i need more merlot, why did i drink it all that night, damn it.

i went shopping today at lazarus-macy’s and because they are going out of business everything was dirt cheap. I went in looking to spend 20 dollars on a new black shirt, i came out having spent 14 on a new black shirt on a pair of pants. you do the math. Now its this pair of pants that i am going to write about tonight.

Never before have i ever picked up piece of clothing and thought about sex until i picked up these pants. Even with my corset it was about how hot i would look in it (ok, this was three years ago, work with the shallowness a bit and lay off). But today i picked up these pants, with their millions of pockets (to stick things in) and their billions of straps and thought…someone give me a futon or a ratatan chair, please, now… because wow.

These pants are black and super soft, plus they have all these fun playthings…like a straight jacket, i know i shouldn’t mention straight jackets when i am trying to convince you of the sexiness of my pants, but its a risk i am willing to take. (oh, and if you are the kind of person who can find eroticism in straight jackets call me, we would get along fine, jk). But seriously, the first thing i thought when i touched it, which was me tugging one of the straps was of some yummy faceless guy pulling my strap closer to him, which of course would pull the rest of the me attached to the strap closer to him AND all the focus would be on that region where my pants are. yum.

I looked at the price and decided to buy myself a pair. I have also decided that i need to go looking for trouble tomorrow because i am writng a blog entry on a pair of pants.

So tomorrow my goal is to take steps towards finding me a yummy stranger in a suit. Inorder to achieve this goal i will (1.) track down yummy strangers in suits and (2.) talk to them. I use to do worksheets on goal setting like these a long time ago, they were never this fun though. They were more along the lines of i will ask for something i want to day (assertivenes), ect. But i am much better at that now…I will have a yummy boy in a suit to roll around in my pants with me, please.

I couldn’t shake the devil, i tried but i couldn’t. So yesterday i wondered around downtown and hit a few of my favorite places…barnes and nobles, starbucks, the wine store and my newest favorite place…the exchange, a used CD shop on forbes avenue with prices to die for. So i came home with a bottle of merlot and a few of my favorite people, ella fitzgerald and harry connick Jr who is absolutely a doll.

so i spent last night drinking him away. I would say it was relatively successful, this morning he was definetly replaced by a slightly large hangover and this afternoon on the bridge i was stopped by a lovely little boy with a cross tattoo on his face asking for my number. So i suppose I have a new ritual for getting rid of skeevy boy vibes, i mean i attract new ones but atleast the old ones are gone. Sorry sweeti, i’ve learned my lesson, so i had him hold my baklava (mmm, baklava, from a little greek joint on 6th Street, the least expensive of the two facing eachother which had wonderful spinach pie but slightly depressing wedding soup) and quickly scribbled down my un-digits for him. Opps, my first wrong number. I feel dirty for lying but i could hardly say no to a voice like his.

work was wonderful, the spanish chef is helping me with my spanish by having random conversations with me throughout the day. I felt bad about snapping on the head chef a few days ago but he seemed to like it because he constantly pesters me to smile so i have made a hobby out of being a smartass to him. I am starting to be less intimidated by todd, and his fiance is precious, i talked to her on the phone today and she called me sweeti. I met one of the brothers family today, they were adorable and down to earth which was refreshing. 30 dollars in coat check and i got hit on by a business guy who stood just a bit too close.

I need to learn the art of picking up boys on the street, the possibilities would be amazingly endless. Just have to watch for the ring.

Walking back from church along the snowy streets of Pittsburgh and for the first time in weeks I felt I had regained my center. My perspective was thrown when I started to lose sight of the fact that I was only here because this is where god wanted me. I tried to take on the world again by myself which I can’t do and grow frustrated and anxious when I found the world would not budge. And after months of searching for a church where I felt at home I am happy to have finally come across one. How can you resist a church where the preacher says the Irish blessing at the end of service? I am not sure why church is so centering, and frankly, I am not going to overanalyze it either, as long as it remains so.

The First Presbyterian Church of Pittsburgh ( www.fpcp.org ) is on 6th Avenue, across from the Duquesne club, a block from Saks. The church, built in the late 1800’s early 1900’s has thirteen Tiffany stained glass windows (26’tall x 7.5’wide), the only windows to be made by the Tiffany studios made using a process like this: the scenes were painted (upper sections of angles, lower sections of scenes from the new testament) on a special surface, then backed with plating of Tiffany opalescent and Favril glass (hand made) all set in a specially milled lead made to house the two layers of glass. (pulled from Bill Baumgarten’s cover story in the March 2004 edition of The Downtowner Magazine. www.dnapgh.com) With a setting such as this, how could you not feel at peace after a few hours here.

Last night after work I went to the Lemon Grass Café for their Pad Thai and lemon grass tea which is all so addictive. I needed something to calm me down after I waited 45 minutes for a taxi that never came. I called the Yellow Cab Taxi once, watched 4 empty cabs go buy and called again in twenty minutes to see where the hell the cab was…”you didn’t see one stop?” –operator, um, I think a big yellow car with a sign on top of it is kind of hard to miss. Another 5 empty ones passed until I was finally pissed off to the point of needing a drink. So luckily Lemon Grass was in between Atria’s and me or else I would have blown my cab money on merlot instead of Pad Thai. Next time I am trying one of the other taxi services.

Work last night was insanely peaceful, good for me, bad for Todd. I sat sipping my tea watching the rain come down and hit the puddles outside of the windows as the people past and the sun went down. Little white lights lit up the bare trees outside and jazz music played all night. The candles and low lights in the restaurant made it all the more relaxing. Natalia was dancing to the music and had me laughing so hard, she had a high ponytail which made her look like a Chihuahua, so I kept getting an image of a Chihuahua dancing to “Hey Mambo” and a few songs from the rat pack off and on.

…may god hold you in the palm of his hand.